i woke up, rushed out the door, went to the coffee shop, ran into a friend from church, read a book, drank my hot chocolate and left. i walked out of the coffee shop, searched around in my purse and realized that i'd forgotten my keys. laurie, jon, paul, steve, krystal, bishop, jenn . . . they're all busy, or can't, for various reasons, help me. i'm locked out of my apartment. laurie is in new york city - i have no way back into the apartment. i remember that i've left a spare key with my mom. my mom is out of town for the weekend though and so i'm left without a ride to highland park.
my life has been fractured for many years now. my life as a christian and my life as a normal person. this life as a spiritual person, who prays and sings and desires intimacy with a creator, who sees the birds and the clouds as indications of a loving father, who believes in redemption and second chances and forgiveness. who is overwhelmed by the mystery and beauty of christianity, jesus, the bible and a kingdom where the last is first and the poor are rich and broken are made whole - has felt distant from the rest of my life. my life as a normal person who loves her friends, who is loved deeply by her friends, who is loyal, loud, crude and sometimes mean. who is honest, proud, broken, hurt, jealous and envious. who drinks, listens to good music and reads good books. who struggles deeply with issues of faith, who used to be something that she isn't anymore, who used to believe things she doesn't anymore. these lives feel so divided - and the canyon is only getting larger. the first person seems to now be an illusion. i turn around and try to grab for that old me and all that's left in my hand is dust and ashes. and all that's left is a mess - but at least it's an honest mess.
in college, i became a "christian." i grew very close to the community at school - intimately close. we ate together, prayed together, laughed and cried and grew and changed together. i was indebted to them. i was loved by them better than i'd ever been loved. and then some things got tough. and i looked around and all i saw were sarah and pete. after four years of complete devotion to this community, there were two people left standing next to me, holding me as i cried the hottest, hardest tears i've ever cried.
so, i'm stuck. without keys to my apartment. without a ride to the spare keys. all of my friends are busy - my non-jesus friends can't help. and i know they would if they could, but they can't. and i realize that there are all of these people who i spend sunday with, who i go to studies with, who i go on retreats with, i even go over to their houses and share food with them - and for 10 minutes i debate whether or not i should call them. in the coffee shop still sits one of my church friends. and i'm frozen. i think, "do i really want to need them?"
yesterday i woke up. sat down. and the thought flashed across my mind, "i resent christian community and i do not trust it." and it seems the more i become part of a community, the less i like myself. i'm supposed to be someone, to be better than i am - i find myself resenting more, judging more, comparing more, gossiping more - and doing it all in the name of "jesus." i see myself get close to my unbelieving friends, or my used-to-be-believing friends, or my used-to-be-but-starting-to-believe-again-friends and i just find myself . . . loved. and i find myself trusting them. and they love me, not because the bible makes them, but because they just do. i find myself sitting in dimly lit rooms, with beer and jeff buckley videos feeling calm, known, understood, respected, adored. because given the same circumstance, when i cried those hot, hard tears, they were all there. close to me. standing beside me. because they could. they were allowed to be honest, to be loyal, to be on my side, to love me.
it makes me wonder what it means to be a christian. what it means to follow jesus, or know him. so many things i did to be "loving" as a "christian" were so selfish, so self-serving, so disgustingly proud. every day, i find myself further away from my old definition. every day, i find less of that spiritual me. i wonder when i'll be able to find a new identity as a spiritual person that feels true. i find myself more paranoid at church and in community settings. i know i'm not who you thought i was. and i know that it's only going to get worse - i'm only going to be less and less than you think i am. for a year, i found myself on this spiritual mountain of sunsets and butterflies and intimacy and knowledge and closeness and the audible voice of God. and one day, i put my shoes on, turned my back towards the sun and descended the mountain.
i don't know where i'm going to end up. who i'll be in 5 years, 1 year, or even tomorrow. i don't know what's next. but i know that i had to go back down that mountain. and i know that i want friends who come with me. who hold my hand as i go down. who are standing at the bottom with a look that just makes me feel okay. i believe in a descending God. and i want a descending community.
renee gave me this quote. i keep it in my car.
“Suppose the only God that exists is the descending God. Suppose the only way we can know God is to go down, to go to the bottom… If God is going down and we are going up, it is obvious that we are going in different directions. And we will not know him. We will be evading God and missing the whole purpose of our existence.”
"Then I fell at his feet and thought, Surely this is the hour of death, for the Lion (who is worthy of all honour) will know that I have served Tash all my days and not him. Nevertheless, it is better to see the Lion and die than to be Tisroc of the world and live and not to have seen him. But the Glorious One bent down his golden head and touched my forehead with his tongue and said, Son, thou art welcome. But I said, Alas, Lord, I am no son of thine but the servant of Tash. He answered, Child, all the service thou hast done to Tash, I account as service done to me. Then by reasons of my great desire for wisdom and understanding, I overcame my fear and questioned the Glorious One and said, Lord, is it then true, as the Ape said, that thou and Tash are one? The Lion growled so that the earth shook (but his wrath was not against me) and said, It is false. Not because he and I are one, but because we are opposites, I take to me the services which thou hast done to him. For I and he are of such different kinds that no service which is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done to him. Therefore if any man swear by Tash and keep his oath for the oath's sake, it is by me that he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man do a cruelty in my name, then, though he says the name Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deed is accepted. Dost thou understand, Child? I said, Lord, thou knowest how much I understand. But I said also (for the truth constrained me), Yet I have been seeking Tash all my days. Beloved, said the Glorious One, unless thy desire had been for me thou shouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek."
ReplyDeletei'm sorry for whatever ways the church has failed you.
it is full of imperfect people desperately in need of the grace of a righteous King.... for He did not come to save the righteous but the sinners. only in our utter dependency (on Him, and perhaps on others) can we find what whole-ness means.
keep fighting the good fight, seek first the Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added onto you.
Peace in His mighty name, He calls YOU His beloved and will not let you go.... none can snatch you from His hands.
thank you for sharing. our world needs more honesty.