Saturday, October 23, 2010

the seasons are changing and so am i, sort of.

these are pictures i took on a walk to the cemetery. fall is usually a really sentimental, nostalgic season. i look forward to covering myself in a blanket of those emotions - but not this year. for the first time in a long time, my emotions seem to be pretty steady - just sort of happy and even. maybe as we grow up, we learn to temper our emotions and separate our thoughts from our feelings - because as i've gotten older, my brain has only become more and more of a jumbled mess. struggling constantly with things, and swirls, and circles, and cycles and thoughts that never, ever end. finding myself in the healthiest, happiest relationship i could have ever imagined - but plagued by the highest expectations for my life, for relationships and a radical amount of need and want for everything that is me. finding very little honesty in the world of romantic love and marriage - no one seems to be honest with me. i think they're scared. frustrated by christianity's imbalanced focus on selflessness, and hatred of self, and the idea that community is the savior.