if only for one last hope / i wanted my time with to be over

home. alone. mark kozelek's haunting, beautiful, awkward voice. dim lights. looking out on friendship avenue.

i am alone.

i am selfish. and i'm not convinced that anyone else matters more to me than i matter to me. it feels good to let those words come out of my hands onto the screen. i said it. i meant it.

the two people i spend the most time with are gone for a while. the warm, comforting independence feels fuzzy on my skin. no one is calling me. no one is expecting me. no one is wanting me. and i'm not wanting them either. it feels so good not to want. not to expect. not to desire people. i don't need you. i forgot. but i don't. i still love you, though.

i'm not convinced about death to self. or compromise. or sacrifice.
i do not follow the teachings of christ.
i'm not sure that i believe the teachings of christ.

what if happiness matters more to me than anything else? what if i've got one life and what i want more than anything is my self. i want her. wild, alive, free.

[is there freedom in love? i know there is. i know i've felt it.]
[remember how good it feels to be known.]
[remember how much you love making them happy.]