everything is meaningless

he's tall and thin with long black hair. we've worked together for a few months now, but i've been so consumed by how attractive he is that i've been unable to talk to him. today is the last day of work and it's his job to drive me around to the general offices, uniform center and housing to hand in paper work, turn in my uniform and give back my key. we get into the van, he rolls down the window and "every rose has a thorn" has never sounded better. the sky is blue, the sun is shining and there are large white clouds littering the sky above us. his wrists are square with tiny threads of fabric framing them.

we stop at the general offices and i get some papers signed. when i come back out of the building, he's leaning against the white van. he's smoking a cigarette and the classic rock station is playing loudly. we only get three radio stations here. i approach him and he asks me if i'm in a rush - if it's okay if we take our time. i tell him that it's fine. he finishes his cigarette and we get into the car. we drive around for a while. to drive from one end of the grand canyon village to another is about a mile drive. so we make the loop a few times. the conversation opens up quickly and intimately. our time here is now limited and ending - i will be leaving in a few days. there is no time for bullshit now. he wants to know why i'm leaving. i brace myself because i know that for the first time, i'm going to be honest.

i tell him this, "sometimes you make decisions. and you're not sure why you make them. or if they're right. but you just sort of have to go through with them." i can tell that he understands what i'm telling him. i'm telling him that i am a scared child - that i don't know why i'm leaving, that i have no good reason, that it's probably the wrong decision - but i'm going to do it anyway, because i'm scared of what it would mean to stay.

staying would have meant that the people who i cared about - i don't actually care about. staying would mean that everything that i had built my life to be was wrong - a lie. staying would mean that the purpose of my life is happiness, not love, not community, not growth, not change and transformation. staying would mean that all of the things that mattered to me didn't matter. staying would mean that love isn't the answer, that relationships don't make me happy, that intimacy doesn't really mean anything to me.

and here i am now stuck. feeling like it's all true :: everything is meaningless. i don't actually care. everything that i thought mattered doesn't matter. i want to be alone. i want to go home early. i'm in so many places with so many people and i don't like it. everything i did that was important to me isn't important to me anymore. like the only purpose to my life is happiness. and i've met happiness and i know her well. only, now i'm stuck in a gray, rainy city where happiness is as rare as the sun.