home or not home

so i went home this weekend for pete and sarah's wedding. it was humid. and the night was bright. and the streets were living and there were people awake. my time at home was perfect and life at the canyon seemed, as i expected, like a strange dream world that wasn't real. i'm much less attached to the people here than last time - so mostly just imagining this place still existing while i was in pittsburgh felt sort of impossible. i am constantly trying to balance the fact that i am an incredibly, fantastically social person and the fact that i am also incredibly solitary. if you know me at all, then you've probably found yourself affected by this - it generally just comes off as "moodiness" / warm and cold / easiness and stress / joy and withdraw. there are times when i'm able to find a comfortable rhythm or pattern and live happily for weeks. before i left pittsburgh, i felt like things had just completely spun out of control. there were just so many people to love. and i hope that this doesn't sound arrogant - because it doesn't come from a place of pride, but really from a place of admittance of a very obvious weakness of mine. i've learned, again, that even things that are good can become bondage, obligation, tiresome and boring things that you have to do. out here, there is, simply, nothing that i care about that much - besides traveling and seeing as much as possible. as soon as i landed in pittsburgh, i was greeted by stress, anxiety and being worried. and i know that it's my fault / i like to control things and when everything isn't "perfect" i lose the ability to function. out here - there's nothing to control, nothing i care about enough to control, nothing that matters that much. there's no desire, no want, no care. i haven't felt anxious, worried, overwhelmed or stressed out once since i've been here. i guess that's what life in the desert has been - dry, boring, ugly, simple, no want / only need, very little life - just bland. and i like it. but after reading the bible a lot, i've found a pattern: people aren't meant to live in the desert. they're meant to visit. to stay a while. but you can't stay here. it's not meant to be stayed in / i mean, in biblical times and ways and also today - las vegas? phoenix? not meant to be lived in. and for plenty of environmental reasons it's obvious too.

anyway, i think i've lost the point. i love my friends and family. i love my city. and i'll go back. and i miss it, now. i'm not meant to live in the desert or the wilderness or the solitude or the emptiness. but i am meant to learn from it, to visit it and stay for a little while. retreat. and then come home, hopefully a little smarter, a little kinder, a little better.

the wonderful thing that i remembered this past week is that my friends and family are unbelievable. they pour love, and grace, acceptance and kindness, unconditionally, onto me. not only do they put up with me, but i can tell that they like me. they think that i'm wonderful. the truth is that i can never go very long without them. the reality, as much as i've tried to fight it, is that i sort of need them. they are reflections, whether they like it or not, of His love. we were made for community.