halfway

i've been here for almost 3 months. and i'm going home in less than 2 months.

there is freedom here that i've never known before. it's not just living on the rim of the grand canyon, or having access to some of america's most beautiful landscapes and wonders, it's the simplicity. the canyon helps, the desert, and sky, and mountains, rock formations, colorado river, wild flowers, winding roads - these things all help - but they're not quite exactly what i'm talking about. of course the drives with my windows down help too - with my hair flying about inside and outside of the car, my radio up so loud and the sunsetting gold, purple and red over sand, dust, rock and desert. walking along creeks, and rivers, watching butterflies flutter and wild flowers passively wave as you walk past, looking upwards to the sky as the gnarled bark of desert brush points towards the sun - all of these things are also helpful. but they're not it, either.

out here i'm void of the two things that have defined me the most: community and kids (feeling purpose in my job). and for now, i haven't really missed it. i am almost convinced that most of my not missing this has to do with the fact that my time here is temporary - but regardless, the lessons are still real and permanent. finding myself defined in other terms - or maybe no terms at all, has been probably the most freeing thing of all. the simplicity of this life here has been what's freed me, the freedom from obligation to myself and others, the freedom from care, the freedom from purpose - just to be. to sit. to walk. to work a simple job. to read.

can someone tell me how to do that in a city?

to be fair, though, i miss home. i miss my family. i miss my friends. but i know they'll be there. and i know it'll be just as easy to come home as it was to leave. and that's what makes it home. and what makes them my family and my friends.