all these photographs. of things past and things lost and gone. it's sort of unbelievable. most of it is good - you know that it's good, for you and for them, and for everyone. and you want them happier and you happier too. but it's still just sad.
that city looks so small out of my window, like the buildings could be gathered into my hands and blown away like feathers. the yellow street lights shining on the shiny asphalt after a thunderstorm. you lost something each time, you know? and each time you see a picture of them smiling in the sunshine and happy - you still think that you could have done something differently. you forget the disappointments, the hatred, the slow, creeping feeling that nothing can be fixed, or better - it's just over. it nags at you constantly, really.
i remember this day so well - it was last year. and laurie and i were coming back from home depot, or something. we ran into damien and drove him back to friendship and spent the day drinking with him and cooking food. we were going to jenn's birthday party that night - but before we went and walked by the train tracks. i was talking and thinking about what it might be like to marry derek then.
and then, like so many things, it's just passed you by.
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