february 01

this is what pittsburgh looks like.

today i looked out the window and wrote in my notebook, "gray on top of gray on top of gray on top of gray . . . " every person i've ever dated has gotten married to / engaged to the person they dated after me. a boy i used to date just got engaged. it made me sad, because i believed that he would never get married. i used to think he was too brave for that.

i used to think that summer was only for skinny white girls in flip flops and shorts who enjoyed vacations at the beach. love of hot weather i think is a distinctly skinny white girl thing - because if you talk to anybody who isn't a skinny white girl on an exceptionally hot day, they'll tell you, "i'm just trying to find some air conditioning." but a white girl, will say something like, "oh i love summer so much!' while the rest of us are sweating to death and contemplating murder, suicide or going to live in an air conditioned superstore like target or walmart.

i used to like winter a lot. and for a few reasons: i hate being hot. and i used to make myself like things that were difficult: like the hiccups and having the flu. plus, i really hated skinny white girls - so every time they said something about loving summer it felt really good to say, "really? i think winter is better. i hate being hot." it made me feel stronger than them. like - that i was better than them because winter's cold and gray and dark didn't affect me. i was stronger than them and stronger than winter. my mood and my well-being was independent of the season. so, bitch - please.

but this winter might be different. i am weaker now. i am less proud. i have less energy. i don't interact with many skinny white girls who love summer. now, i'm just tired from all this gray and cold and dark.