sate of the union address

this is the dream: that one day i'll get paid to be a photographer. it's that simple. i want to travel and see as much as i can of this country. particularly, anything west of kansas. but this will take time. and more experience and more talent and, above all us, a better understanding of how to actually use my camera and other equipment. it also means meeting the right people.

i've spent too much time lately feeling hopeless because i'm not there yet. i finally realized that not only am i not ready to be there yet, it's just not practical or possible. i think that i'm really good. and i don't care how that seems, or sounds, or if you agree. i just really believe in myself. but until then, i need to get back to living in the present.

i've spent a lot of time over the last year being unhappy living in pittsburgh. but i've kind of come to terms with it - at least for now. i think it's the best place for me to learn, and grow as a photographer and artist. since pittsburgh is such a small city, and there aren't a ton of photographers around here (i mean, there are, but it's pittsburgh, not new york city), it's easier to make connections within the area, have art shows, get experience, look at other photographer's work, learn how to use a stupid camera - you know, the great things about living in a small city. so i need to have more shows, try to make more connections, and take more photographs. and i'd like to get paid for these things. i want to try to get an internship at the pittsburgh center for the arts, or some place like it.

i don't love my job - but it's tolerable. and it's easy to get time off. and i love the kids. and i love the women i work with - they inspire me, really. i'm going to apply to real teaching jobs. because it'd be nice to get paid more, and . . . to get summers off (so that i can travel more for longer periods of time). it's what i do - and it's not the worst. and it allows me to put energy into the rest of the things that matter to me. so, for now i'm happy at work. although some days, i come close to quitting and walking out - i'll apply for new jobs and look around, but mostly, my job needs to just be a job again. the rest of my life needs to become the good stuff.

i want to write more. and better. so, this involves a few things: take a class and read more non-fiction. after i'm done with my oil painting class, i'd like to find some sort of workshop.

i want my blog to function more like a website. i still want the clumsy writing and the photography to be the most important part - but i want it to be easier to navigate through old photographs. i want prices. i want a separate tab for wedding pictures and portraits. i want a contact tab. etc. etc.

i want to get back into painting. even though i'm taking the oil painting class - i think the real passion for me is in those silly watercolors. man, they're beautiful. and it's such a spiritual act. i want to look at more watercolor paintings that aren't your grandma's paintings of her rose bush (although, i've got nothing against that!) . . . georgia o'keeffe has the most beautiful watercolor paintings i've ever seen. there's got to be more like her out there.

i want to be a better daughter, sister, and friend. so this means the same as it's meant the past year: be careful about how i spend my energy. give more of myself to less people. i want to feel strong and powerful again. i want to trust myself. i want to make decisions again - just for the sake of making a decision.

save money, so that when i can get the time off, i can travel.

remember that i'm still the 16 year old girl who refused to be consumed by work, and studying, and tests, and papers and SATS, and college interviews because everyone who was worried about these things seemed miserable. who preferred daydreaming about living in Maine. who spent all of elementary school planning her escape to Wyoming. remember that it's possible - i will, some day, be doing the exact thing i want to be doing, but for now, i've got to work towards this stuff. and that's the good stuff. the work is good.