this is not the sound of a new man / or a crispy realization / it's the sound of the unlock and the lift away

at 5 am, it was too early to leave and too late to go back to sleep. plus i just wasn't tired anymore. i was woken up by the sound of laughter and shoes going up and down the stairs to get more beer from the refrigerator. i was kept awake by feelings of loneliness and emptiness. i was aware, at the time, of the difference between being alone and feeling lonely.

i got dressed. put my shoes on and walked to lake michigan. having a vague idea of the layout of chicago since i'd once flown into the city and made a mental image of it, it only took me a few wrong turns to finally get to the lake. it was still completely dark out. the city shined so brightly, making everything yellow. knowing instinctively that i needed to be near something big again. something so big that even in the darkness, the presence of this thing so big could be felt and understood enough to make me feel small. i sat quietly, listening to the water, listening to my little tiny voice sing hymns, reminding myself of the things i too often and too quickly forget.

the night before, walking around chicago, was so hard for me. the smells of perfume, the noise, the people, the drinking, the smoking, the stores, the signs, the lights - i felt like all of my senses were being overwhelmed by chaos. i was confused. i didn't want to be there. i wanted to go backwards or forwards. i wanted to go back to arizona or i wanted to go home to my friends. but i couldn't, i was stuck in the city for the night.

so, this is real life. this is wanting again. this is what it feels like to desire something. this is what it feels like when enough isn't enough. this is less is not more. this is the feeling of hot tears on your cheeks again, dripping down your neck. this is the comfort of your insanity. this is the crazy seeping back into your bones and veins. this is hysterical. this is when you're not strong enough to separate reality from your imagination.

so i left. a few states later, i crossed into pennsylvania and then eventually i crossed the veteran's bridge into downtown pittsburgh. then i crossed the bloomfield bridge to laurie's house. and then we crossed the street to ritter's and ate pierogies.