i wish i understood what he was singing

it's been a month now since i left the grand canyon. it's been a dull, slow shock to my system. leaving the comfort and safety of happiness, isolation and simplicity to return to the realities of life and relationships and what it means to be human. i will watch great men fail. i will be hurt by people who love me. i will do things that i would have never thought i would do. i will change. i will look back, and look forward, and have no idea who i am, or who i've been. i will try to relate to a God who i love so deeply, and i will fail constantly. i will stop trying to relate to that God, even though i love Him deeply. i will lie to myself. i will lie to everyone. i will try to manipulate the people i love the most. i will allow them to manipulate me. i will not do what is best for me.

why would i leave the grand canyon? i didn't miss my friends, i didn't miss my home, i didn't really have a boy to come home to, i didn't have a better job in pittsburgh - and i liked it in arizona, a lot. there are many parts to this answer. but the answer that i can give, that makes me the least vulnerable to my listeners, is that i don't think happiness is the only way to measure meaning in my life. i think the nature of retreat is rest, happiness and simplicity. most importantly, it's temporary. if it lasted, it wouldn't be the same - it'd be real life. the question then becomes, how do i take parts of that time with me? how do i find a balance? or - are they too black and white? the city and the wilderness. community and isolation. desert and forest. i don't know the answer.

i used to be a christian who set up pretty conventional boundaries and lived by pretty conventional rules that helped me stay safe and happy. it helped me avoid ever getting hurt. it helped me avoid the contradictions, the gray areas, the dirt, the mess - the reality. it was like living in the grand canyon. good - happy - peaceful - beautiful - but not real. and the problem is that once you've been pushed too far, once you've gone past those boundaries, you can't go back. the old ways just don't fit - the old ways of relating to God and people and yourself just don't work. and i'm left with the same question that i ask myself about the grand canyon and pittsburgh - what do i do now? how do i find a balance? or - are they too black and white?

i took these pictures this morning. they are for brian werner.