we drove out to the desert just to lie down beneath this bowl of stars

the vermillion cliffs

make a house out of rock

the colorado river

tuesday we left the south rim of the grand cayon around 4:00. we arrived on the north rim around 10:00 at night. including a short stop at cameron to get najavo tacos, the trip took us 7 hours. the distance from the south rim of the grand canyon to the north rim of the grand canyon is 25 miles - hiking. the drive, though, is a little less than 300 miles. we slept in the car and woke up early so the boys could start their hike while it was still cold. i spent the morning on the north rim, taking pictures and enjoying the feeling of being a visitor. i have only been to the north rim one other time before - it's really beautiful and i think i might suggest as a better place to visit than the south rim. i am constantly surprised by arizona's diversity. the north rim is covered in huge pine trees, as you leave, you find yourself in beautiful fields with buffalo roaming - and then just a few miles later you're in the desert. nothing. signs for a mcdonalds 80 miles away.

as i was leaving the north rim to go back south, i got an awful feeling. a sense that the south rim was still too busy, too populated, too noisy, too much - which was, and still is, sort of shocking to me. because the south rim of the grand canyon, although a little more populated than the north rim, is still incredibly remote and desolate. it seems like the less that i have, the less than i want. i think i keep waiting for some kind of resolution - or reconciliation between these parts of me. like maybe some day pennsylvania and arizona will border each other. like maybe the solitude and the community can exist together, the independence and the dependence, the quiet and the noise - i think this takes spiritual discipline that i don't have yet.

i've had some time to think about it, and watch the sun sink like a stone

so we took a drive to flagstaff to pick up a friend from the airport. i got a pair of new nikes. two girls got their ears pierced. on the drive back, we intended to take a short hike to the top of a "mountain." we had a lot of difficulty finding the trailhead, and instead, had an awesome day of driving the dirt roads around the san francisco peaks. we ran into a family that had a flat tire and met a couple of the cutest boys i've seen in a long time - luckily they were happy about me taking their pictures. i didn't just move back out here because the canyon is beautiful - but because all of northern arizona is awesome. it is incredibly diverse - you can go from 110 degree, sonoran desert to snow covered peaks in under 4 hours and then just an hour and a half later wind up at the grand canyon. i think if i lived here my whole life, there'd still be things that i wanted to see around this area. i think when people imagine where i am living they are generally picturing the wrong thing. hopefully these pictures give a better idea of where i'm living.

fires are all around the area between flagstaff and the grand canyon right now.

this is a picture of kendrick park. this beautiful valley opens up after driving through some high desert. this is also where the chapel of the holy dove is. there is also a dead cow there right now with its feet in the air.

my little pete & sarah got married.

these are pictures from when we went to the dress fitting. i didn't take any pictures at the wedding. so this is all that i've got. i've been waiting to post these until after her wedding - i didn't want anyone to get a sneak peak of her in the dress. let it be known that i cried the entire way through the ceremony. it was ridiculous. i cried more than pete and sarah combined.

kaibab lake (your preference for vertical pictures is showing again)

this lake is man made. as are all lakes in the state of arizona. i went here a while ago, in july. i forgot to post these pictures because i didn't think they were all that extraordinary. neither was the day - really. i went with two couples to the lake. one couple is awesome. the other couple was not awesome. i'm usually pretty skeptical of the people here who seem normal. the people who are obviously misfits in society and wind up working here i greet without reservations; arms wide open. it's the graduates of smith college and the university of massachusetts who i try my best to stay away from. i'm more confused by them than by aleria, the 30-something who loves the power rangers, is going to a star trek convention, is working on a novel and wears ungodly amounts of makeup. working in a national park isn't actually all that glamourous or romantic. it's not the days of edward abbey in arches / or john muir in yosemite / it's the days of laura phillips working at the front desk, eating at the employee cafeteria and going days without even looking at the canyon.

home or not home

so i went home this weekend for pete and sarah's wedding. it was humid. and the night was bright. and the streets were living and there were people awake. my time at home was perfect and life at the canyon seemed, as i expected, like a strange dream world that wasn't real. i'm much less attached to the people here than last time - so mostly just imagining this place still existing while i was in pittsburgh felt sort of impossible. i am constantly trying to balance the fact that i am an incredibly, fantastically social person and the fact that i am also incredibly solitary. if you know me at all, then you've probably found yourself affected by this - it generally just comes off as "moodiness" / warm and cold / easiness and stress / joy and withdraw. there are times when i'm able to find a comfortable rhythm or pattern and live happily for weeks. before i left pittsburgh, i felt like things had just completely spun out of control. there were just so many people to love. and i hope that this doesn't sound arrogant - because it doesn't come from a place of pride, but really from a place of admittance of a very obvious weakness of mine. i've learned, again, that even things that are good can become bondage, obligation, tiresome and boring things that you have to do. out here, there is, simply, nothing that i care about that much - besides traveling and seeing as much as possible. as soon as i landed in pittsburgh, i was greeted by stress, anxiety and being worried. and i know that it's my fault / i like to control things and when everything isn't "perfect" i lose the ability to function. out here - there's nothing to control, nothing i care about enough to control, nothing that matters that much. there's no desire, no want, no care. i haven't felt anxious, worried, overwhelmed or stressed out once since i've been here. i guess that's what life in the desert has been - dry, boring, ugly, simple, no want / only need, very little life - just bland. and i like it. but after reading the bible a lot, i've found a pattern: people aren't meant to live in the desert. they're meant to visit. to stay a while. but you can't stay here. it's not meant to be stayed in / i mean, in biblical times and ways and also today - las vegas? phoenix? not meant to be lived in. and for plenty of environmental reasons it's obvious too.

anyway, i think i've lost the point. i love my friends and family. i love my city. and i'll go back. and i miss it, now. i'm not meant to live in the desert or the wilderness or the solitude or the emptiness. but i am meant to learn from it, to visit it and stay for a little while. retreat. and then come home, hopefully a little smarter, a little kinder, a little better.

the wonderful thing that i remembered this past week is that my friends and family are unbelievable. they pour love, and grace, acceptance and kindness, unconditionally, onto me. not only do they put up with me, but i can tell that they like me. they think that i'm wonderful. the truth is that i can never go very long without them. the reality, as much as i've tried to fight it, is that i sort of need them. they are reflections, whether they like it or not, of His love. we were made for community.

antelope canyons

there really isn't much to say about this place, except that i think it's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen in my life.

crazy rock formation outside of the canyons. a little thing i like to call rock / sky / God.

tire tracks when we were leaving the canyon. rainstorm drawing closer. us flying around the trunk of a truck. rain in our faces, wind, sand, more laughter than i've laughed in a long time - arms in the air, too. and sahra in her cute little cowboy hat.

through painted deserts, navajo reservation, to and from page

these are some pictures of the drive to and from page. unfortunately, there was a huuuge rain storm. which was awesome, in some ways, but sort of frustrating in others. i wanted to go swimming at lake powell (against edward abbey's guidance) and go to horseshoe bend, both are things that you can't really do in the rain. luckily, sarah and michelle kept me in good spirits and - also - in many ways the rain was the best part. driving to page was really hot - you're in arizona, like, the arizona you imagine and dream of. mesas, sand, and... nothing. so it's hot. after we got onto 89 north at cameron, the storm started forming. we could see the storm from miles away and when we finally got into the rain, we pulled over, jumped out of the car, and ran around in the rain and hail for a minute or two. i imagined myself as a hot skillet that you put into cold water and it sizzles. it felt good. there will be more pictures along this drive as the summer rolls on.

i don't think you can ever understand what arizona looks like until you come here. i just don't think it's possible for people, especially from the east coast, to understand.

little colorado gorge. the brown thing at the bottom is the river. since it's not as wide as the grand canyon, it especially just looks like just a big tear, crack, scar on the earth.