i wish that i knew what i know now, when i was younger

i took pictures for two weddings this weekend - which is by far more interesting and wonderful than anything you could imagine. this whole day, this whole event, all of these people are gathered in order to celebrate two people you don't know - or maybe you know sort of well, but not very well. certainly not well enough to be invited to their wedding. but you are invited, and you spend the most intimate times with these people and their families. you cry when the mother and son dance. you cry when the groom looks at his bride for the first time. sometimes you even drink and dance with these people. and you sort of become attached to them, and their families, and friends. you start to like them. and care about them. and the whole time you're a bystander, you're sort of the least important person there. no one knows your name. and you're anonymous. and so sometimes when you drink and dance these people - you realize that you're actually dancing alone, and it feels amazing.

and so this weekend i drove all across pennsylvania and ohio with my windows down, being in love with my countryside. being in love with my home. with my landscape. those rolling hills, that sun shining down, those farms and farm houses. and today, as i was driving, listening to country music and feeling the air blowing in my newly, freshly cut hair - today my car broke down. twice. and i got it towed. twice. and i spent 4 hours in a car garage in ohio with 4 men who became my best friends. and harry, the second tow-trucker, drove me from the ohio border to pittsburgh. and he might have been a racist, right-winged tea partier from rural pennsylvania, but i remembered that none of that even matters. we swore, ate reeses together and took the long way by the river to have a more scenic route.

when i got home, my dad said, "well, you seem oddly pleasant." time sort of froze, in that way that it always freezes for me. i always have so much to say - in case you haven't been able to tell yet - and sometimes i have to remember that it's not always the right time. or the right people. and so time froze and i thought to myself this:

exactly, dad! that's what i've been trying to say!!! nothing really matters that much. i just don't care that much - about my car, or about money, or about my time, or about making sure my day-off is meaningful, or about my job for that matter, or taking wedding pictures for strangers and meeting so many new people at one time, i'm not worried about figuring anything out. i'm not worried about the future. i'm not worried about actually falling in love with somebody. i'm not worried about anything! i'm just not worried about any of it anymore, dad. it's just not worth it. life is going to happen in one way or another. and the only thing i have control over is how i react to it. and i'm tired of stress. it's actually the worst. it makes people dark and ugly and nasty. so does anger. so does being mean. so does being short with people. so does not giving people the benefit of the doubt. so does judging people. so does expecting the worst. so really, actually, today was a really great day.

instead i said, "well, that's what happens when you go to mexico." i'm not even sure he really knew what that meant. it just didn't matter that much.