am i really writing a post about how someone unfriended me on facebook?

i was defriended on facebook recently. i like to think i'm more mature than i am, but the truth is that this defriend really bothered me. and i find myself, weeks later, still pretty upset. so i guess some back story would help . . .

i've talked very little about what i was actually doing in the grand canyon in the first place. back in college, i went there with A Christian Ministry in the National Parks. i was there with 16 awesome people. we lead worship services on the rim of the canyon, in the woods, we struggled with community and our differences as christians - but we all loved one another, deeply. all of us. we all connected, in some way, and respected one another. we treated each other with dignity. we talked openly, we struggled openly, but we always loved and listened and tried.

so this past summer, i decided to go again. i was supposed to be a "leader" but because of some trivialities, i ended up not having that role, formally. there were 18 of us there. the group was very quickly split between the drinkers and the non-drinkers and the people in between. i, personally, often felt very excluded by a group of boys who seemed to have more "conservative" ideas than me. i say, "seem" because in reality, i don't think either sides really ever came to really understand what the other side thought/believed. i never felt like i fit in with them, like they were open to me, or even interested in anything about me. like, i doubt if they even know my last name. i remember trying very hard. sitting with them, even when i could tell they didn't want me to sit with them, asking them questions even when they ignored me, going out of my way to be around them - even when i could tell they sort of maybe just didn't like me. i still tried to respect them and love them even when i'd hear the awful things they'd say about me behind my back - i'd even approach them and tell them i forgave them - and they'd still lie to my face. i said some mean things too, i won't deny that, but i will also say that i tried hard - harder than them - to love them, know them, understand them.

there were fights. there was yelling. there were awkward meetings. boys called girls "sluts" behind their backs. they were told not to "associate" with us. i once sat down with one of the boys for lunch and another one walked past and text messaged him, "i want to sit down with you, but i can't because she's there." i was yelled at by a boy - i mean, anger. i've never been yelled at by a man. and i had the nerve to apologize to him after he yelled at me. and honestly, i've never been a person who ever thought she was "right" and someone was "wrong" in their beliefs - i think i'm one of the most open-minded people i know, especially when it comes to belief and faith. i didn't care that they thought i might go to hell because i was 24 and drank beer sometimes, i didn't care that they read the bible literally, i didn't care that our "beliefs" were radically different - i knew that we could still be friends, members of a body and family. because we could have been - Jesus says so - because i've experienced love, forgiveness, reconciliation in community before. but, i have to say this:

in the end, we will be judged by our love. not by how much beer we drank. period.
and if you believe that i am a bad "witness" because i drink, this is my news for you: no one cares how much i beer or gin and tonic i drink. but they do care about how well i love my neighbor, the stranger, my enemy, by how well i love the "other." and i'm not perfect at this. but i'm going to chose to waste my energy on this. waste my time and energy on getting to know and love my neighbor, and the strangers and the outcasts and even . . . the people who hate me, judged me, condemn me, yell at me, talk about me and my friends behind my back, make fun of me and disrespect me. i'm not going to waste my time condemning people who are imperfect, people who drink, i'm not going to waste my time making them feel like outcasts, making them feel unloved - and i'm certainly not going to hurt them for the sake of a man who IS LOVE.

towards the end, there were small signs of peace. a long, awesome talk on a trip to flagstaff with nate, a few good talks with mike, mutual love, respect, understanding and forgiveness with elijah, and a last night dinner of hot wings and pizza with brady - he invited me! once they all left, and i was still in the canyon for a few months, i felt . . . okay. it wasn't great, it wasn't even good, but things ended fine.

and so i got defriended by one of them. and it brought back all of these feelings again. i watched my friends cry because of how much they were hurt. i heard people doubt God because of how they were treated in that community. i heard people give up hope. and i don't know how this story ends, except maybe in gratitude. that it's over. that i get to go to a church and be part of communities (believing and non-believing) that know that to know God is to love people. to respect people. to listen to people. to serve them. to consider them more important. to be humble. to wash their feet. to confront them in love and with dignity. to see people as precious gifts; beloved.

and so, here's my peace. you, who defriended me on facebook, are His beloved. and i believe that you are loved, and valuable, smart and important. i enjoyed your company, i like you as a person. you threw rocks at skunks at the campsite to keep them from getting into my tent. you invited me to dinner. you even paid, i think. that one time you gave a sermon on Mary and Martha - i thought it was awesome. and you did some awful things to me - and to the people around me - you said some awful things. you made me cry. you made me feel worthless. you ignored me. you left me out. but i still think you are fantastic, in so many ways. i still think you're a good man, i still think i have things to learn from you, i still believe that you are no less than me. and i don't know a lot about heaven, but i think that some day, you and i will look at one another and we won't see any of the hurt or differences - there will only be peace and love. and if your feet were dirty from a dusty road, i'd like to think i'd still wash them.