some kids

top 5 summer highlights:
1. chris and lacy visited. we spent their anniversary on paul and bishop's porch. everyone was there - we were happy and close and loved each other. jon played their wedding song. my eyes filled up with tears and the distance that seems to separate all of us was no longer frustrating but freeing. we each pitched in twenty bucks and bought them a hotel room.
2. visiting kelli in philadelphia. after i left, my jaw hurt from talking and laughing so hard and so much for the weekend. this was the first time that our time was not constricted by mentor - mentee, or boss - employee, or college campus minister - college student. so we drank wine and talked and saw good music and stayed up late.
3. working with a girl who i love. and kids who i mostly love. spending the days at parks and swimming pools and the zoo. it's a small little community that i live in - 13 kids, miss kristin and miss laura. i learn from them about what it means to live and share in life together. the frustrations and anger - but then the joy and happiness when you persevere. their love is unending for us - even when we are short, or mean, or angry with them, they still want nothing more than to spend time with us, talk to us, tell us things. the relationships are always shifting - kids who i love, i grow tired of, and kids who i was initially annoyed by, i've learned to love. this is happening with my friends all of the time. it's okay. things are never ending, just changing.
4. having an air conditioner in my bedroom. camping out in my bedroom with laurie like we're living in a club house in our parent's backyards. sometimes it feels like hiding away. closed to the outside world of the living room and kitchen and neighborhood and city and friends and relationships. we've spent days in there - napping, listening to music, talking, drinking and eating.
5. a confusing, but healthy, shift in my life. more church. more church friends. can they become my community? can they become the people i love and share my life with? they're a good group - mostly stable, mostly healthy - but smart. they like good conversation and good music. they read. if i can be myself with them, i think that i have the potential to grow deeply attached to them. realistically, though, my self will change in relationship to them. so maybe it's not a matter of being my self, but discovering a new part of my self with them.

summer, so far.

this is summer so far.

highland park

have no doubt about it, i will one day live in highland park again. it is the greatest, prettiest, most wonderful neighborhood in the city of pittsburgh and i don't think i'm just saying that because i've spent all of my life living there - except for my few years living here in bloomfield/lawrenceville. also steve's graduation pictures that i like.

if only for one last hope / i wanted my time with to be over

home. alone. mark kozelek's haunting, beautiful, awkward voice. dim lights. looking out on friendship avenue.

i am alone.

i am selfish. and i'm not convinced that anyone else matters more to me than i matter to me. it feels good to let those words come out of my hands onto the screen. i said it. i meant it.

the two people i spend the most time with are gone for a while. the warm, comforting independence feels fuzzy on my skin. no one is calling me. no one is expecting me. no one is wanting me. and i'm not wanting them either. it feels so good not to want. not to expect. not to desire people. i don't need you. i forgot. but i don't. i still love you, though.

i'm not convinced about death to self. or compromise. or sacrifice.
i do not follow the teachings of christ.
i'm not sure that i believe the teachings of christ.

what if happiness matters more to me than anything else? what if i've got one life and what i want more than anything is my self. i want her. wild, alive, free.

[is there freedom in love? i know there is. i know i've felt it.]
[remember how good it feels to be known.]
[remember how much you love making them happy.]

new york

i remember when i was in the grand canyon laurie went to new york. she sent me a picture on her cell phone of the manhattan skyline. i hated the picture - i think i felt sickened by it. when i was driving into manhattan and i saw the buildings, i felt a sort of crushing overwhelming anxiousness knowing i'd be going into the concrete jungle.

it's not just the amount of people. or how tall the buildings are. or that there is no horizon. does the sun set in new york? do people see sunsets? or do they just watch the sun hide behind buildings? it's this other thing that's sort of indescribable to me. but it has to do with what it means to be a black kid growing up in harlem. i wonder how different the view of your self, your culture (whatever it is), your family, your history is when you are living in a community that has such deep roots? or what it means to be living in new york city as the wealthy elite? or what it means to be a starving artist? or a hipster, even, living in brooklyn. or a jew living in williamsburg. for each people group - this is the epicenter for their culture. i just think that must change you. and maybe it intimidates me.

lately i've been comparing pittsburgh to natural wonders of the world. in this competition, pittsburgh loses, time and time again. no trip to frick park, beechwood farms, highland park will ever compare to the west. i haven't visited new york since my freshman year of college, besides a trip or two to see a show outside of the city. i was in chicago for 1 night. there were a few trips to boston in college, too. some trips to the phoenix airport (by the way, i think phoenix is the closest to hell i've ever been). but it's been a while since i've been able to compare pittsburgh to another city. fortunately, in this competition, pittsburgh always wins.

i spent some time with lacy in harlem. and then spent some time in brooklyn with laurie. these are some pictures. i think new york has really nice bridges.

everytime i've been to new york i've taken this picture on my way out through china town and into the holland tunnel.